I had a post already written in my head but this morning as I sit down to type it, the words just won’t come. Instead I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face cause it’s one of those mornings. One of those days that starts out just fine then all of a sudden it changes and heads another direction, a direction I didn’t plan or want to go today. My list of things to do is this kind of stuff – pick up Ryan’s diapers, formula, supplies at the home health store, make a few calls, lunch with a dear friend. But that all changed when Ryan banged his head the whole way to school (very strange for him) then proceeded to stagger, holding on to me with a death grip, into school. He’s off, I don’t know why, but he’s not right. I’m sure it’s seizure related because he’s kind of spacey and simply can’t walk straight, reaching out for someone or something to grab onto to steady him. Or it’s a sinus infection because he bangs his head a lot with those. I am simply guessing. If only he could tell me. So as I stood there in the main lobby of the school with two paras and his SPED teacher around us, I knew I had to take him home. And most days it wouldn’t be a big deal; I’d just chalk it up to raising a kid with intractable epilepsy and the rest of the long list of disabilities he carries, that this is the way my day is lived out sometimes. But today it’s hit me with a ton of bricks. And I have no idea why. It just did. My heart is heavy, my tears are warm and fresh on my cheeks, the pain is searing right through the center of my heart. Because some days it seems more real, more painful, more isolating, more despairing, more alive. Some days I don’t want a son who has so many health problems. Not that I don’t want my son. I love him to pieces and my heart can’t contain the joy he brings to my life. It’s the isolating, lonely, never-ending hurt that never goes away I can do without. I’ve been reminded far too many times in the past week or so how Ryan’s disabilities have changed our lives. I’m usually very optimistic about it, staying cognizant of the fact God gave us to Ryan for a reason, that He was very intentional in forming Ryan exactly as he is for a very specific reason. Knowing I am supposed to be his mom and working hard to do my very best with the skills, resources, events that shape my life in so many ways. Yet there are days like today when the flood of emotions overwhelm the gates of my heart and I simply can’t hold it closed any longer. And I weep.
I try very hard not to let the negative, feel sorry for myself, woe is me attitude get me down very much and have learned to pull myself out of it quickly when I do. But sometimes life just gets the best of me and I need to have a good cry. There’s been so much going on lately not only with Ryan but in other areas of our lives that have been very painful and difficult to face. I feel like we have been taking one step forward and two steps back lately and it just gets old. But I know it’s a season and all seasons do eventually change. I can’t make things change that God intends to keep the same and in the same way, I have no control over some of the difficulties we are facing. So while my cheeks may be freshly marked by the tears that just keep coming this morning, I know my heart can trust that tomorrow is a new day. Today, I’m thanking God for tomorrow, whatever it may bring.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. ~Psalm 34:18