the unknown future

Today I’m struggling with all the unknowns of the future.  Most days I do a really good job of staying in the present, enjoying today, recognizing the grace and blessings of the past and believing our future is completely in God’s hands.  Most days the future is something I don’t have to worry about because He has proven from past experience that I don’t need to spend my time worrying about what may or may not come.  But tonight my heart feels very heavy, the tears are on the verge of falling, I can hear myself sighing frequently and my mind just refuses to shut off. 

Today as I drove down Old Cheney on my way home with my oldest in the front seat next to me and the youngest behind him, fear struck me.  Ryan was having constant seizures and Brad turned around and said in a very agitated voice “knock it off Ryan!”.  I calmly explained he isn’t seizing on purpose and Brad said “I know, mom, I just hate these stupid seizures!”.  It hit me, again, how hard this is for the kids.  They had so much hope Ryan’s surgeries 19 months ago were going to stop his seizures – we all did – and that failed.  Then we put lots of hope in the vagus nerve surgery and that device has also failed.  Then we put hope in the corpus callosotomy surgery in February and ended up with a month long hospitalization and new stomach problems. And now the seizures are back with a vengeance.  The honeymoon period from adding Depakote back to his long list of meds is now over.  And while the last surgery did keep his seizures from spreading from one side of the brain to the other, he is back to having clusters of small seizures almost on an hourly basis.  He’s also been sleeping more, seems less active and more content to just sit and do nothing.  Don’t get me wrong, he is still happy and content.  It’s just been a struggle to realize everything we can do for him has already been done.  It’s hard, and I’m not going to lie and say I’m OK with not knowing what the future holds.

We’ve never figured out what is wrong with him, why he is as he is, what awful disease or genetic disorder is ravaging his sweet little body.  And maybe, probably, we’ll never know.   But I’m not OK with that.  I want a name, a visible target to throw darts at, something to blame for stealing my son’s health.  Most days I seem to do OK not knowing what tomorrow will bring but these past few days as I’ve watched the seizures relentlessly attack my sweet boy’s little body, it’s really bothered me.  I am very much aware that God has all of our tomorrows in His very capable hands, and it’s not that I don’t trust His perfect will.  But…I’m still human, I still hurt, and I still feel sorrow and fear for what is coming.  And I know one of these days the grief won’t be so overwhelming, my heart won’t feel so heavy and my hope won’t seem so fleeting.  That day isn’t today.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

9 thoughts on “the unknown future

  1. Kim,
    You have so perfectly expressed the way we all feel when we find ourselves in situations that we can’t understand. Trusting God when someone we love is suffering has to be the ultimate test, and I’m so grateful that He knows our doubts and fears and sorrow. I hold on to the truth of His word found in Psalm 139. He knows the number of days ordained on this earth for every single one of us, and there are no accidents with our Creator. I’m praying daily for your family.

  2. Today his mercies are new, Kim, because of His Love, you are not consumed. Thank you, precious Father for your Faithfulness!
    So encouraged by your posts, thank you for sharing. Reminds me so much of the Psalms. I was reading in Ps. 5 this morning, here is an encouragement from God Himself for today: Ps. 5:11-12
    ” But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.
    Spread your protection over them,
    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
    For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
    You surround them with your favor as with a shield.”

    Joy, protection, rejoicing, blessing, surrounding and favor are yours today!

  3. Dear Kim, your honest and heartfelt sharing brought tears to my eyes. I can feel your pain through your outpouring of emotion. Our family will continue to pray for each member of your family. Especially for you, Kim, because as a Mom, we want to “fix” everything for our children, to take away their pain, and make things right for them. All I can think of is how God has directed your steps thus far, and He does have a mighty plan for your family. One day you will look back and say “Wow, look what God was doing!” Until that happens, continue to lean on Him. May your sad thoughts lift soon, and you see encouragement.

  4. I don’t know what to say, Kim! Except I’m sorry. I hope today brings just what you need. Love you! you guys deserve a bright spot of joy.

  5. Kim, you say “I’m still human, I still hurt, and I still feel sorrow and fear for what is coming.” What are you fearing? What ever God has planned will bring you forward, not hold you back or leave you forever on your own. Discover your fear, explore that fear, and you’ll find truth and comfort. Even burdens enrich one’s life.You are such a good Mother, wife, person,so loved and cared for by God and those who surround you. Don’t you forget that! : )

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