sorrow

I’ve sat down several times lately to write this post but can’t seem to get past the first sentence. And honestly, I’ve just been blah lately. Several people have even told me they see it, notice I’m not myself. And I guess I haven’t been. It’s been a good month, a good summer, a nice break from the routine of school. And in only 36 days the new school year will begin all over again; I know, hard to believe, right? I’m looking forward to a new year, a new schedule, a new routine, a new year of football and volleyball. But for today I am just here. I’m not depressed, I’m not overwhelmed, I’m not stressed about anything. Sorrow. That’s all it is. Just sorrow. It’s that grief that has reared it’s ugly head again and brought me to a place of sorrow. Because whether I like it or not, my sweet boy who changed my world nine years ago has slipped just a titch. Just enough to make a small, minute, miniscule noticeable difference. Enough that he is a little less engaged, more quiet, more sleepy, less active, more weak, less talkative. He’s still his cute, squealy little self in that big boy body, but he’s changed. And with that little slip comes a heart full of sorrow for this momma. The tears flow more easily, more secretly, more frequently. And there simply aren’t any words to describe how my heart feels. I can’t explain it to people who don’t walk this journey, who don’t know the ups and downs first hand of having a special needs child, one who is fragile and broken. It’s just there, it’s just part of the journey, it’s just a new normal again. So many new normals. And eventually I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, lift my head up and readjust my sails as we head around the next bend on this journey. It’s not a bad journey, it just changes when I least expect it, when I become most comfortable. But we aren’t suppose to get too comfortable, are we? “And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” ~ Micah 6:8. It’s a journey full of changing scenery, varying weather, traveling companions who come and go. A journey full of humility. I don’t ever want to be a person who doesn’t know how to be humble. And I think of the times like this where I find myself today and realize that sometimes the view isn’t so great, the terrain not what I would choose, the weather a bit too hot, the load a little too heavy. But then I look to my side and see the others traveling this path with me and I realize what a blessing they are in my life. I’ve come to where I am because I’ve chosen to allow God to access the ugly, the difficult, the stubborn in me. There’s a lot of it. But I look at the good and realize without humility to deal with the rest of me, I wouldn’t be where I am. It’s part of the adventure. I’m so grateful for family and dear friends who don’t ask too much of me, know when to hold my hand and help me up when I need it without having to ask, gently push me and challenge me to stretch, grow and believe there is good in the midst of the mundane, joy in the midst of the sorrow and faith in the midst of the fear. My faith isn’t an emotion but a core belief in the very depths of my soul that tells me no matter what my emotions and thoughts may be at any given time, my God is present, He is working, He is moving, He is challenging me to reach farther than what I think is comfortable. There is a song called He Knows My Name and it says:

I have a maker, He formed my heart, before even time began, my life was in His hands
He knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call
I have a Father, He calls me His own, He’ll never leave me, no matter where I go
He knows my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call

What a blessing and comfort it is to know every minute of my life is in God’s hands. He is challenging me in so many ways right now to grow, stretch and be the woman He created me to be. Sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s easy, sometimes I resist and other times I’m simply complacent. But through it all He’s only a prayer away, right there when I whisper His name, present when I feel the sorrow that has filled my heart. He dances when I dance, holds me when I cry and promises a future full of Him. I know in the depths of my being that no matter what every tomorrow holds, my heavenly Father is right here, preparing me for whatever is to come, for a future that is bright and promising. Even in the midst of sorrow there is always joy, always the opportunity to take each moment for what it is – simply one small piece of my life. These times of sorrow don’t define me but instead make me realize how blessed I am to have a husband who loves me beyond understanding, kids who fill me with a joy that is impossible to put into words, a job I love, family and friends who accept me as I am. It’s such a humble life I lead but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Even when there is sorrow, there is grace. It’s only by God’s grace alone that I am able to put one step in front of the other and enjoy the present. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I’m thankful for these moments to see beauty that is marred by sorrow, built on a foundation of faith, sewn in humility and encompassed by joy. Chris Tomlin sings a song called I Will Follow You….

Where you go I’ll go, where you stay I’ll stay,
When you move, I’ll move, I will follow you
Who you love, I’ll love, how you serve, I’ll serve,
If this life I lose, I will follow you
In you, there’s life everlasting, in you, there’s freedom for my soul
In you, there’s joy, unending joy

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3 thoughts on “sorrow

  1. Praying that God helps you and the family, find an extra bit of strength and courage for the path ahead of you.

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