a vessel of brokenness

Sometimes I look at my life and wonder how I got to where I am. My life is full of accomplishments, regrets, cherished loved ones come and gone, missed opportunities, beautiful memories and stark realities of life’s unfair nature. And I look back with thanksgiving, regret, wonder and awe, sadness, joy and the realization of God’s covering every step of the way. But still, my life has not turned out at all how I imagined. And some of those dreams from my young years, those hopes of my early wedding days, those lofty plans drenched in unrealistic expectations – they’ve all shaped me. Some have come to fruition, many have not. Yet as the sunrises and sunsets come and go, ever faithful to appear day after day, I’ve come to know a love unspoken. A faithful love transcending emotions and situations and unspoken dreams. I remember Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future. Notice he didn’t say for I know the plans you have for yourself. No, he said he knows HIS plans for my life.

I easily fall into the rebellious thoughts of saying “this is not how my life was supposed to turn out!”. Not that my life is bad because it’s not. I have many blessings which do not go unnoticed. I have been treasured, I have been loved, I have been sought. And I’m grateful. So very grateful. But the circumstances that define my life are not as I hoped and dreamed oh so many seasons ago. My life has not turned out at all as I wanted. But who am I to turn from the open hand of blessing. Who am I to despair at the journey’s climb when I planned for the open road of ease and leisure. Who am I to question the opportunity offered when my own dreams ran dry. Who am I to turn from difficulty and pain while declaring my trust in the Father of time. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says it straight on ~ For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.

If I have learned anything in my moments here, in my time of reflection over days gone by, it’s simply this. My life is not my own to plan, prepare for, scheme and dream and worry over. My life as a follower of Jesus Christ is to do this one thing and this one thing only – to glorify God in every occasion. Every single one. So when diagnoses come, when circumstances seem unbearable, when my child walks in rebellion, when disappointment overwhelms, when the money doesn’t come through, when a friend disappoints again, when my spouse doesn’t live up to my expectations, when God feels so very far away, when my mind tells me I can’t, it’s then and only then the Lord is able to fill my cup. My brokenness is the vessel of God’s provision. It’s in my weakness He is strong. It’s in my giving up He pours out strength. The way is not always clear but His faithfulness is the light in the darkness. I love this song by Hillsong:

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I simply love the part in bold that speaks of trust without borders, let me walk upon the water wherever YOU call me. What faith. What love for a Savior. What devotion and monovision it takes to have that level of trust. And it’s what I strive for. What my future depends on. I have dreams. Dreams the Lord placed on my heart. Dreams I plead with the Lord to bring to fruition. Not to bring me gain, but to serve the One who gave me my every breath.

So while my past looks like quite the mixed bag of regret and blessing, while it’s full of love and thoughts of “if only”, it’s overflowing with the faithfulness of the Lord. No my life has not turned out at all as I expected or dreamed. In those moments of sorrow over all the things that never came to be, I am fully aware that without the struggles, without the crushed dreams and missed opportunities, without the regretful decisions, without the detours and people coming and going from my life, I would not be prepared for whatever is ahead. If everything happens for a reason, if I truly believe my Heavenly Father is in control of my hours and days, then my only choice is to believe. Believe in His goodness. Believe in His plan. Believe He loves me enough to provide. Believe good things are coming. Believe the dreams brewing in my soul placed by an Almighty God will become a reality. He’s a good God. There’s simply no way around it. I can’t look back and not believe every moment has come to pass for a specific reason. I treasure today.  Because my todays are good.  They are treasured.  They are beautiful and blessed.  I love my todays. And I look with anticipation to all that is coming in my tomorrows.

I pray you know the same love of a Savior who provides. Who is trustworthy. Who loves surprises and blessings. Who comforts and consoles. Who provides and prepares the way. Whatever you are facing today, don’t forget His faithfulness. Don’t step away from His protection. His love is enough. It’s simply enough.

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2 thoughts on “a vessel of brokenness

  1. Hi Kim and family and Ryan,
    Been awhile since I have been on here. Been going for check up and Dr. appointment since Dec. So just behind. Praying for the sinus infection I have is gone by Thursday , as having surgery done. My eye lids and brows need to be lifted up as hard to see. Praying God heals me for it. It will be at Lincoln at Bryan West..
    Praying for you all and strength to go forth and healing on Ryan. Also your friend Tara.
    God Bless you all.
    Love & Prayers,
    Delores

  2. Kim,
    Read your site and understand how you feel and what you said. Praying for Ryan daily.
    I made it through eyelids and eye brow surgery in Jan. Can see so much better and praying Medicare picks up the bill for Dr. and hospital. So far have not heard. Must trust God in all things.
    So praying for your mother in law and also your friend Tara.
    God Bless,
    Love & Prayers,
    Delores
    How was your trip you and your hubby was on go?

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