as i sit and wonder…

I wrote the post below on July 22, 2018, and sit with interest and question of the circumstances leading to my heavy heart and raw emotions written. I wonder why I never posted this. I wonder if at the time, this was my way of putting heaviness into words. I wonder if it was a silent cry for help left unattended lying secret in my heart. Oh how a day, a week, a season can change. Come feel my heart and the wonders of my thoughts below:

I don’t really know where to start. All these feelings jumbled in my head, hiding in the corners of my heart. I am a big scattered mess. I feel lost, wandering aimlessly, trying to figure out which direction to move. How to put one foot in front of the other. I feel raw and numb and careless all at once. I feel nothing. I sense fear moving in, closer with every step I take. I see its shadow at my side getting bigger as I move forward with each small step. That shadow tells me it is getting closer and will soon overtake me. That worn bench with peeling pain on the side of this path I am on calls out to me. It says come sit for a while. It tells me to just stop moving forward. But my head says keep going. Do not stop and sit. Keep moving. Keep trekking ahead. Keep pushing. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel confused about my path. I feel numb to my faith. I don’t see God. I don’t feel him. I don’t hear him. Are you there God? Do you see me on this path wanting to just stop and quit? Do you see my tears? Do you know I feel alone and confused? Do you get that I am questioning your call on my life? Do you even care at all?

Friends, how many of you find yourself exactly at that point sometimes? Feeling like you are a scattered, confused mix of emotions and thoughts. Feeling like there is no direction in your life as you wonder where you should be headed. Like the path you are on might not be the path you should be on. Questioning everything. Those are real emotions. Valid thoughts.

And here I sit in a new season, a new house, a new town four years later. As my thoughts wander to that time in my life, I am aware of the unchanged beliefs I carry with me still even though I may not have realized them in 2018. No matter whether a good or a tough day, no matter my perspective or attitude, no matter my wavering or well founded faith, I know who carries me through my days and find rest in this verse:

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Psalms 27:13-14

Just this week, I experienced both happiness and frustration. We joyfully welcomed our fourth grandchild – Cooper Thomas Benson – born to our daughter and son-in-law. He joins Brad and Taylor’s three kids – Bode, Iva and Eloise. What sweet, magical delight they bring to our lives. Yet at the same time, the frustration of becoming Ryan’s guardians as he turned 19 last week brings loads of emotions and disbelief. Years ago, we would never have imagined this season of lawyers, the judicial system, the limits of a temporary emergency guardianship that mandates we keep Ryan in the state of Nebraska until our court date in December. We will miss our planned trip to Texas over Thanksgiving weekend with all my family. We will miss being able to travel two hours down the road to see three of our grandkids and their loving parents in Missouri. We will miss the ability to drive just over an hour away to spend time with my dad and his wife in Iowa. We are trapped. All because a judge made rules we simply cannot comprehend or understand. Yet in the frustration, the disbelief, the disappointment that are all temporary, we stand in that same belief that a good future will find us, that positive things are yet to come, that we will surely see the goodness of the Lord in this life.

Through the joy and the struggles and the excitement and dismay, I look ahead with confidence of God’s provision. When those aimless, scattered thoughts tell me to come sit in despair, my today tells me to keep moving ahead, keep believing, keep trusting. Because even when hard times come, I can rest in knowing better days are ahead, goodness will come, faith will keep me going.

5 thoughts on “as i sit and wonder…

  1. Oh Kim! I am sorry you will miss all the adventures outside the state which would have been so fun as you and Travis fulfill yet another state mandated obligation. The two of you have been setting good examples all your lives for your family and co-workers doing just that so another 6 months probably won’t kill you but certainly is disappointing. I am not sure what all is entailed with Ryan’s
    guardianship though I presume it guarantees he will be cared for as long as he lives no matter what might happen to you or Travis. I am sure he doesn’t fully comprehend his future (and as evidenced by your earlier post, really none of us do) but I know he is secure in knowing he is loved. I think that is really the best any of us can ask of this life. And yes, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just like the mail —“neither snow nor rain nor heat not gloom of night” will deter us as we keep marching along.

  2. Hi Kim,

    It certainly has been a hot minute since we got together… I’d love to get together sometime if you have the time. I relate in numerous levels. Different, but similar.

  3. When facing open heart surgery I heard this song that spoke volumes to MRE snd frequently still does. It’s my go to song

    The god of the mountain
    Is still God in the valley
    When things go wrong
    He’ll make them right
    And the God of the good times
    Is still God in the bad times
    The God of the day
    Is still God in the night
    For the God on the mountain
    Is still God in the valley

  4. I agree with “Dad,” you need to write more to let people like me that I’m not the only one to have these feelings and doubts and that our God is the same and will see us through whatever tomorrow brings! Thank you for your heart Kim!
    P.S. Still reading these after all these years past caring for Ryan’s needs at Humann! I’m a fan! Please tell him a belated happy birthday – cannot believe he’s 19! Wink. Smile. Heart.

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