These past few months I’ve felt so blessed experiencing God’s favor on our family. I still struggle with this concept – believing God desires good for our family, for me, instead of sitting in wait for the next bad thing, the next disappointment, the next huge shock and blow, the next battle, the next season of uncertainty. I’ve trained my mind to sit in wait for a negative event to come crashing in. And in the process, I’ve missed so many opportunities to be still and relish the beauty of the blessing. I’ve caught myself thinking this won’t last; there is something bad coming; we don’t deserve this time of nothingness when there is no crisis or urgent, debilitating matter. It’s really quite sad that for the past ten years, I’ve allowed myself to sit in wait for the negative to come. So to retrain my mind to believe in goodness and peace has been hard. I find myself feeling unworthy of the blessing. With Ryan it’s simply been one thing after the next after the next. And through the journey of raising a special needs child, we have had other struggles along the way….some financial, some emotional, some work related but all of them spiritual. The solid rock, my firm foundation is established. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt Who gives me my next breath, Who has been faithful to carry us through every troubling storm, Who has blessed our socks off during those moments when we could hardly get out of bed every day. Those feeling of being unworthy are definitely not of God. I know where they come from as the Bible clearly states in Ephesians 6.
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
There is one very particular, personal and sensitive area I have struggled with ever since Ryan was little and all his problems started at the young age of four months. For several weeks now I’ve really felt the Lord nudging me to be vulnerable and share it here on this blog. I’ve been resistant to obey. Of course I’ve always been very transparent and have openly shared my heart on many topics, emotions and struggles. But this one area I have kept hidden in the darkness of my soul. But now I can’t escape God’s tug on my heart to share, to be honest, to risk judgement. So I’m going to do it. It’s the subject of emotional eating. And it’s no surprise this is an issue many people deal with but no one seems to want to talk about. And maybe for some of you, it isn’t emotional eating you claim as your hidden struggle. Maybe it’s unforgiveness, envy, addiction, jealousy, gambling, infidelity, pornography, lust, idolatry….I could go on and on. We all have something. So I’m going to take a huge leap of faith and openly share my thoughts, emotions, struggles, successes. I’m calling it Weigh In Wednesday. I know, creative huh?! It just flows so Wednesdays it will be. I won’t claim to share anything profound or new or shocking or exciting. But I will promise my thoughts and words will be written with encouragement, empathy and hope. God is working on my heart so I will “weigh in” every week, and I’m finally learning to relish the little victories whether physical, emotional, spiritual. Because one of these days all these little victories are going to become one giant success story of God’s goodness and provision to bring me to a state of emotional and physical health. My only goal in all this sharing is for God to be glorified. And anything else will simply be a blessing. So share this blog if you think someone else needs to read it. Pray for me as I reluctantly open up and spill my struggles. And give me the opportunity to pray for you too. Shoot me an email, leave a comment here, send me a facebook message. I still don’t know why I’m doing this and am moving forward with trepidation, but if God calls me to it, I need to obey.
Proverbs 16:3 ~ Commit to the Lord whatever you do and He will establish your plans.
Zechariah 4:6b ~ Not by might, not by power, but my my Spirit says the Lord.