I have been so down these past two days and am struggling to trust God in all the unknowns right now. Ryan is still very off and prefers to sleep far more than usual and when he is awake, he is most comfortable lying in bed staring at the wall. His happy moments are short and his ability to interact with the family can be volatile. As my sister said, he just doesn’t have much reserve right now. It’s hard to watch because I want so badly for him to be happy, excited, sitting at the table eating pancakes (his new preferred food) and needing to be reminded not to throw pieces of food on the floor for the dog as he laughs. He isn’t eating anything by mouth and I really don’t think he has an appetite. A few days ago he sat down to eat some pancake and only made it through 3 or 4 bites before he wanted to go back to bed. We are still doing small boluses of water, pedialyte and pediasure (his normal formula) every two hours or so and he is tolerating those with gagging/coughing usually only once a day. I also think he is having a decent amount of belly pain. Things are digesting slower than normal, but he’s doing OK.

I spoke with our pediatrician Wednesday and have to say how blessed we are to have such a wonderful team taking care of Ryan. I called yesterday morning and asked to have our doctor call me and the receptionist didn’t even question me. Within ten minutes my phone was ringing. Our doctor suggested giving Ryan an enema and seeing if that helps. Because it’s a two man job with a 100 pound child who does not enjoy the procedure, I left work and went home to help Travis get it done. The enema worked immediately but since last Thursday, he has only stooled once and it was due to the enema. This is exactly what he did two years ago when everything shut down so my concern is that his bowels have shut down and are simply not moving anything at all. We are going to see how today goes and call the doctor tomorrow to check in. If he does not improve, I’m concerned he may end up in the hospital for complete bowel rest.

We have been through much worse with Ryan. What brings me to tears is not so much that he is struggling with his GI system, but that we are supposed to be on a plane next week at this time. I cried on the way to work this morning and just kept saying “God why couldn’t you give us at least a whole week before this trip to just be excited and happy and giddy? Why the cloud of worry and fear that Ryan won’t be physically ready for the trip?” This is supposed to be a very big deal, an exciting once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and now it’s clouded with uncertainty. Maybe it’s just me throwing a tantrum that things are not going my way; I just know I’m frustrated and hurt that this is happening with Ryan right now.

This morning I texted Travis and told him I’m having a rough morning and am very worried. His response was so good ~

It’s in the Lord’s hands. There is nothing we can do right now. Our thoughts are not His thoughts, our ways are not His ways. We all have our ups and downs and at times like this, it is hard to remember all the blessings. I always think of Job. Through his wife, Satan told Job to curse God and die. Job basically said do we accept the good times and blessings and not the bad? We have talked about how hard it is to get excited about positive things because we think about the negative around the corner. My goal today is to praise.

Travis said it well. Praise is a much more productive way to spend my time than thinking of all the things that can go wrong. God is so much bigger than the circumstances of my today worrying about whether Ryan’s intestines are going to wake up and start working in the next couple of days.

A while ago, I put cards on the walls next to the older three kids beds that say “Can’t sleep? Talk to me. ~ God”. I’ve told them numerous times, when things get you down, just say the name of Jesus over and over and over again. There is power in the name of Jesus. There is peace in prayer. There is healing in trust. There is blessing in faith.

Pray with us. He is the Great Physician, and we desperately need Him to heal Ryan’s little body. Specifically, please pray his intestines will wake up and start working correctly, that his energy comes back and that he is fully healed of whatever is affecting his health so we can go on our trip next week and make lots of memories.

Love to you all!