I’m sure some of you thought I fell off the face of the earth with my absence in posting recently. I’m still here but have been pretty quiet for a while. I’m usually one who blabs every emotion and detail of my life but for the past couple of months, I’ve been pretty introspective and have kept a lot to myself. It’s simply been a period of really learning to rest in God’s protective cover.
Psalm 91:4 says “He will cover me under his feathers and under his wings will I take refuge.”
And that’s where I’ve been spending my time lately. For years I’ve always been able to look ahead and say we have this or that to try with Ryan. And those years are over. I’m simply grieving. It’s like getting to the end of a great book and saying “that’s it?! What a let down!” Or going on a vigorous hike, cresting the hill and saying “Really? I expected something much more beautiful”. I feel like we are at the end and now we just sit, wait, watch and love. Just the other day a friend of ours was over watching all the kids blow up fireworks, and Ryan was sitting between us. We were talking about him as he had numerous seizures and she said to me, “Kim, most of us simply can’t possibly understand what this is like for you.” And she’s right. I don’t expect people to understand either. I just can’t put in to words what it’s like to watch your fragile child have seizure after seizure after seizure knowing there’s nothing we can possible do to help him. Knowing his brain is being destroyed right in front of our eyes. Knowing it’s getting worse and we are helpless. It’s simply heartbreaking. And so in the midst of the heartache, the fear, the let down, the loss and grieving, I’ve come to a place of simply resting in God’s refuge, in the quiet of his love, in the comfort and security of his arms. And it’s an amazing place to be. I’ve never, at one time, experienced such highs and lows as my earthly self sits in the middle of a field of fear knowing tougher, longer, harder days are ahead. Yet at the same time, resting in the strength and promises of a Heavenly Father who has it all under control, who knows what our tomorrows are going to bring and tells me every day he’s got it all figured out wherever the road leads. That he loves me with a love so intense I will never be able to comprehend. And my part is really quite simple. Let go and trust. It’s hard work, it take a lot of discipline. But it’s the choice I make every day, and honestly, some days it’s easier than others.
Zephaniah 3:17 ~ The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
And so, life continues on as usual around here with the kids growing like weeds. The older they get, the more I realize how blessed I am to have three amazing kids who are full of compassion, life and energy. Brad and Sidney had physicals two weeks ago and were told if they stay in the 90th percentile as they continue to grow, Brad should be around 6’4″ and Sidney at 5’10”. Trevor is winding down with baseball with only a handful of games left. He’s enjoyed it but has decided football is definitely his favorite sport. Sidney continues with her volleyball games and clinics and has been doing a lot of babysitting for her cousins and also Ryan. And Brad is getting some serious muscles weight lifting four days a week. Football starts in a few weeks and he is excited. Ryan continues to take 2-4 naps a day and spends most of his awake time sitting on the couch. He’s cute and happy and spoiled. Travis and I are hanging in there. June was a trying month with way too many unexpected expenses but that’s just the way life goes. So we deal with it and move on. In the end, God always provides and we simply keep going. I’ve been especially thankful these past few months realizing God put Travis and me together to walk through all this together. He’s a blessing beyond words and I am so grateful to have him by my side.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-17
We love you all and appreciate your support and kindness more than we can outwardly express. Blessings to each of you dear friends.